Written By: Gina

Over the years, I’ve had several people contact me asking how they should deal with a friend going through infertility. A lot of people don’t know what to say or whether they should share pregnancy news with their friend. If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that every woman and man is different in how they deal with each infertility situation. The best advice I can give is to ask what the person wants and of they are open to a conversation about it. Sharing opinions or insights about infertility may not the smartest thing to do unless you know it’s welcomed.

This past week, Alicia asked our “Infertility Hurts” Facebook members to share some of the most hurtful comments they have received regarding their infertility, from friends, family and co-workers. I have to admit that even I was surprised by how harsh some of the comments were! When we started this blog, we wanted to help alleviate the shame and pain associated with infertility. There is no better way to do that than to share the exposed raw emotions of these women facing this issue. These comments are invaluable because they give an inside view of exactly what NOT to say to someone you suspect or know may be going through this. I remember very well how some of these comments made me feel (yes, I have a few included!), but more importantly, if you know someone going through infertility, this can perhaps guide you in conversation with them. Or if you personally are suffering from infertility, know you are not alone in having to deal with such comments- all of us have felt your pain.

Unfortunately but not shockingly, some of the coldest and nastiest comments came from mothers-in-law.
The following comments were shared by our Facebook members:

“If you can’t get pregnant, then God doesn’t want you to have a baby.”
‎"Maybe it’s not meant to be."
"Stop trying so hard."
‎"It’s because you’re stressed!"
‎"Just be thankful for what you do have."
‎"Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing?"
‎"You wouldn't want all this morning sickness anyway.”
"It wouldn’t hurt you to lose a few pounds."
‎"You couldn't handle 2 kids anyway."
‎"Are you guys ever going to have kids?!"
“If you can't get pregnant then it wasn't meant to be & God doesn't want you to bear children.”
"You know why you have such a nice house? Because you don't have kids."
"If it was that important to you, you would find the money to do IVF…. even if it is $6,000, you would make it happen."
“Are you sure you want this?”
“Just give it time & it will happen.”
"Just hurry up and get pregnant so you won't have to go to any more exams."
“You should just stop trying and it'll happen.”
“At least you can still drink liquor!”
“You don’t need kids.”
“Did you have an abortion in your past?”
"Why don't you adopt? A lot of people who adopt get pregnant right after that!"
“Just relax- it will happen in time.”
“You’re stressing, that’s why you’re not getting pregnant!”
“It will happen when you stop trying.”
“You should adopt.”
“Are you pregnant yet?”
“Why are you upset? Just adopt & whatever you do, don't get obsessed with trying to get pregnant and spend thousands of dollars.”
“You’re thinking about it too much.”
“You're just not ready..it’s not your time.”
“Maybe you were only supposed to have one child.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“Would you rather have cancer?” (From a husband!)
“Quit making such a big deal out of nothing.”
“Are you crazy? Why would you want a child?”
“You need to wait. I never wanted to be a mom, and at least you have the freedom to do what you want.”
“Stop worrying about other pregnant people and start worrying about if God will ever bless you with a kid.”
"You would probably get pregnant if you weren't fat."
“Well honey, I’m so fertile all my husband had to do was look at me!”
“You’re young… enjoy time without kids.”
“You’re getting old. Are you barren?”
"You've been pregnant before, so it'll happen again. Just give it time."
"It's just not in God's plan for you now."
“Maybe you're not meant to have children."
"Some women aren't meant to have babies or carry babies.”
“Is it not about time you had a baby? You’re getting on a bit…”
“Its nature’s way!”
“It will happen when you least expect it!”
“I never wanted to have children with you anyway.” (From an ex-husband).
“You must not have been faithful to your husband.”
“You have enough time to have a baby.” ……..This was the feedback across the board, no matter what the age of the woman trying to get pregnant.
‎"You can have my child for a day and you will not want one."
“You can’t get mad at people just because they ask you what the problem is.”
‎"Go on holiday and it will happen."
"Just forget about it."
"You're lucky you don't have any kids, you can do whatever you want!"
‎"Take my kids for a day and you'll change your mind about wanting one!"
" I think that God hasn't blessed you with a child because you don't have him more in your life."
“You must be bad breeding material.”
“You don’t understand because you aren’t a mother yet.”

Several ladies were called by someone trying to help and “give advice.” Only problem was the advice was not solicited! And Alicia herself shared, “I had a girl at work ask me if I wanted to adopt her "unwanted pregnancy baby." I thought she was joking (all in the way she approached me). One week later I was helping clean up her blood in the bathroom because she hemorrhaged a day after her abortion! A moment in my life I will never forget…wish I could.”

I’m sure in many of these situations, people thought they were being funny or helpful but what they said sure cut deep. In hopes of giving people an understanding into the hearts, minds and feelings of someone going through infertility, this information can only help. When you know better, you do better. At the very least, know that how a person deals with infertility may change daily. It can be such a feeling of desperation and despair for a woman or man. To want something so badly but have almost no control over how to get it unless you have the financial means is stressful. This number of people going through infertility is only going to increase in the future. Hope fully this blog will help ease some pain and save some relationships!

In peace-
Gina