Written By: Gina

It starts earlier than I thought. For months, I have been hearing that my daughter doesn’t want to be in the “red” group at school. I’ve asked everything: “Do you like the kids in the group?” “Yes.” “Do you like the teacher in the group?” “Yes.” “Do you like the work you do in the group?” “Yes.” Her twin brother would always agree with her and ask me to just switch her to another group. Any of you who have read my blogs or who know me know I am not switching anything- we must face whatever this is head on!

At first I thought the kids just wanted to be in the same group together but this has been going on since they started groups in September. So I kept digging and asking questions periodically. But then last Friday, I picked up the kids from school expecting them to be on cloud 9. Their dad went to their preschool in his Fire Truck with all the other Firefighters from his station and I figured the kids would be so excited. When I picked them up though, I knew instantly something was wrong. They were both sad and not smiling….a look I have never seen on their faces.

As soon as we left the classroom, I asked them what was wrong. They kept saying “nothing,” but there was no way I was buying it! Call it mother’s intuition- whatever, I just knew something wasn’t right. All through the day I pushed and the kids denied having anything wrong, but before bed, my son started telling his sister, “Tell her Lexi. Tell her what’s wrong,” but she wouldn’t budge. I figured if I let them sleep on whatever the problem was, it would come out in the morning.

When the kids woke up, I noticed my son’s fingers were raw. He has always had a nervous tendency to rub his thumbs when he gets stressed out and we know to watch for this. This was the worst I had seen his fingers. I asked again what was wrong with them when I picked them up and it all came spilling out- they are being bullied at school. They admitted to me that one of the boys tells them, “No one likes you,” and “So and so is not your friend.” He tells them to get away from him and the other kids because no one wants to play with them and cuts them off when they are standing in line…especially when Lexi is in line in the red group. It all made sense.

We have heard so much in the news lately about bullying and what it can lead to.

About Phoebe Prince

Phoebe Prince was a 15-year-old Irish immigrant and student in South Hadley who killed herself after relentless bullying.

In the time since her death, Massachusetts lawmakers unanimously passed a bill that seeks to curtail bullying in schools and in cyberspace. Nine teens are facing charges in connection with her death. http://www.boston.com/community/moms/news/bullying/

And...

Tragic suicide: University student Tyler Clementi threw himself off a bridge after being 'outed' on the internet http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1323790/Tough-New-Jersey-anti-bullying-law-spate-gay-teenage-suicides.html

Bullying Is a Big Problem

Every day thousands of teens wake up afraid to go to school. Bullying is a problem that affects millions of students, and it has everyone worried, not just the kids on its receiving end. Yet because parents, teachers, and other adults don't always see it, they may not understand how extreme bullying can get.

Some bullies attack their targets physically, which can mean anything from shoving or tripping to punching or hitting, or even sexual assault. Others use psychological control or verbal insults to put themselves in charge. For example, people in popular groups or cliques often bully people they categorize as different by excluding them or gossiping about them (psychological bullying). They may also taunt or tease their targets (verbal bullying). Verbal bullying can also involve sending cruel instant or email messages or even posting insults about a person on a website — practices that are known as cyberbullying. www.Kidshealth,org

What Is Bullying?

Bullying is abusive behavior by one or more students against a victim or victims. It can be a direct attack -- teasing, taunting, threatening, stalking, name-calling, hitting, making threats, coercion, and stealing -- or more subtle through malicious gossiping, spreading rumors, and intentional exclusion. Both result in victims becoming socially rejected and isolated.

Boys tend to use physical intimidation or threats, regardless of the gender of their victims. Bullying by girls is more often verbal, usually with another girl as the target. Cyber-bullying by both boys and girls -- in online chat rooms, e-mail, and text-messaging -- is increasing.

Whether the bullying is direct or indirect, the key component of bullying is physical or psychological intimidation that occurs repeatedly over time to create an ongoing pattern of harassment and abuse. http://www.focusas.com/Bullying.html

Why Do Kids Bully?

There is no one single cause of bullying among children; individual, family, peer, school, and community factors can place a child or you that risk for bullying. These factors work individually, or collectively, to contribute to a child's likelihood of bullying.

· Family risk factors for bullying:

· A lack of warmth and involvement on the part of parents.

· Overly-permissive parenting (including a lack of limits for children’s behavior).

· A lack of supervision by parents.

· Harsh, physical discipline.

· Parent modeling of bullying behavior.

· Victimization by older brothers.

· Peer risk factors for bullying:

· Friends who bully.

· Friends who have positive attitudes about violence.

· Some aggressive children who take on high status roles may use bullying as a way to enhance their social power and protect their prestige with peers.

· Some children with low social status may use bullying as a way to deflect taunting and aggression that is directed towards them, or to enhance their social position with higher status peers.

· Other Factors:

· Bullying thrives in schools where faculty and staff do not address bullying, where there is no policy against bullying, and where there is little supervision of students—especially during lunch, bathroom breaks, and recess.

· Models of bullying behavior are prevalent throughout society, especially in television, movies, and video games.

· When children are aggregated together, they associate with others who are similar to them or who have qualities or characteristics that in some way support their own behaviors.

· For teenage girls, social aggression can be a way of creating excitement or alleviating boredom. It is also used as a method of gaining attention from other girls in order to secure friendships. http://www.education.com/reference/article/why-do-kids-bully/

There are many reasons why kids bully.

Did you know that bullying behavior is often a cry for help?

· According to Frank Peretti, there are two basic reasons why kids bully. One reason a child bullies is because he (or she) "has a deep troubling need of his own" and is picked on or feels that he does not have a very successful life. Bullies may be experiencing trouble at home, be underachievers in school, and for whatever reason they feel they have to make themselves better by picking on someone else. On the outside bullies may look fine, but they may be very lonely or may deliberately try to hurt themselves or have trouble eating or sleeping.

· Another reason kids bully is that they may fall into a trap by thinking that bullying is just "the cool thing to do," especially in front of their friends. Sometimes bullies are those kids who are good students, athletes, or the kids who seem to have everything going for them. In Time Magazine, it was reported that even though bullies often will have high self-esteem, they "tend to be victims of physical damage as well." Most bullies live in families in which parents discipline them "inconsistently or through physical means."

· Unfortunately, there are people who reward others who bully. The bullies are made to feel that they are "fitting in" with the others, or are "being cool" when they are acting like a bully. Mostly these kids do not feel very good about themselves, and bullying takes away that feeling. "Too often a bully's behavior is encouraged and not stopped. Some bullies become popular ringleaders with other kids, but not all bullies are the cool kids. Some are troubled students who may have been bullied themselves."

· Another reason why kids bully others is that adults don't give kids the skills they need to be able to tolerate and appreciate the differences of others. When the bully sees other people who are different, they lash out and make fun of them. Many feel that bullies engage in this behavior because it makes them feel important. They learn that being physically aggressive is a way to get what they want, and a way to control people.

· Bullies also tend to continue their behavior throughout their lives. Their bullying actions become a cycle, in that bullies have children that they bully, and then their children become aggressive, and then they bully others too. http://library.thinkquest.org/07aug/00117/whybully.html

Bystanders also play a role in bullying:

Just as in our social reaction to other forms of abuse, we have all tried to get the victims of bullying to act differently to solve the problem. We have trained victims to:

· be assertive

· blend in

· ignore bullying

· pretend they're not bothered by bullying ("Sticks and stones?")

The problem with these approaches used in isolation, no matter how good our intentions in using them, is that they displace responsibility for stopping bullying from us to the victims. If these approaches do not work (and I believe they rarely do), the victim is left with a sense of failure. These interventions can, I believe, be effective only if they are part of a comprehensive intervention. http://stopbullyingnow.com/what.html

How To Deal With Bullying?

· Know the school policies that protect students from harassment, bullying, and physical violence. All students have the right to a safe and secure learning environment. Get copies of these policies and procedures.

· Seek help from your child's teacher, the school guidance counselor, and school administrators -- and hold them accountable for following school policy. Most bullying occurs on playgrounds, in lunchrooms, and bathrooms, on school buses or in unsupervised halls. Ask the school administrators to find out about programs other schools and communities have used to help combat bullying, such as peer mediation, conflict resolution, anger management training, and increased adult supervision.

· Notify the police if your child is assaulted. Get a restraining order so that the bully is required by law to have no contact with your child.

· If school officials and the police do not follow policy or laws, take legal action. http://www.focusas.com/Bullying.html

In the case of my children, I immediately felt that the best way to handle this situation was to role play and instill the confidence in them to address the words they were hearing. In my mind, if they were to ignore the bullying, it would go on forever and appear they were uncomfortable standing up to such aggression…I have seen it happen. I figured if they learned how to or were comfortable speaking out and sticking up for themselves, there would no longer be a challenge for the bully. In this instance, it seems the bullying has stopped almost immediately (thanks in no small part to the preschool teachers who addressed it right away). My kids were instantly relieved that mom knew what to do and how to help. They now actually have a very casual and almost dismissive attitude towards the situation, as if me knowing about it and telling them it’s OK to say “knock it off” gives them the green light to say what they were feeling out loud (which incidentally, Lexi did on her next day back to school!). But in the future, I feel it is integral to teach our kids how to address bullying by role play and by instilling the confidence in them to stand up for anyone being bullied- especially as a bystander! Bystanders can diffuse a situation like this in an instant because otherwise, a bully has an audience and feels empowered being “on top” or “in control.” But if we teach our kids that there is more power in unity and numbers and that walking away as a group makes a louder statement than anything a bully is saying or doing, we could change the world!

In peace~

Gina