Written By: Gina

I read an article the other day (off a friend’s facebook page- thanks Mandy!) where a columnist was answering the age-old question, “Why can’t my stay at home mom friend ever call me back or set time aside for me?” I literally read the article with tears in my eyes….dreaming of a time when I was actually able to get a monthly pedicure. Or wash my hair in more than 4 minutes.
The article is from The Washington Post:

TELL ME ABOUT IT ®

By Carolyn Hax
Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Carolyn:
Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What'd you do today? Her: Park, play group . . .
Okay. I've done Internet searches, I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners . . . I do all those things, too, and I don't do them EVERY DAY. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events) and I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy -- not a bad thing at all -- but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth? Is this a peeing contest ("My life is so much harder than yours")? What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks get the same story and have the same questions. Tacoma, Wash.

Relax and enjoy. You're funny.
Or you're lying about having friends with kids.
Or you're taking them at their word that they actually have kids, because you haven't personally been in the same room with them.
Internet searches?
I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard. To claim you want to understand, while in the same breath implying that the only logical conclusions are that your mom-friends are either lying or competing with you, is disingenuous indeed.
So, since it's validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. In list form. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, clean, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces the kind of checkout-line screaming that gets the checkout line shaking its head.
It's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.
It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier.
It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends, well-meaning and otherwise. It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense.
It's doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything -- language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity. Empathy. Everything.
It's also a choice, yes. And a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy, and then, when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend, a good friend wouldn't judge you, complain about you to mutual friends, or marvel how much more productively she uses her time. Either make a sincere effort to understand or keep your snit to yourself. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/22/AR2007052201554.html.

I have had this struggle lately- trying to manage being at home with my kids, manage the family schedule and manage my own sanity. I have a couple of friends who do not understand why I don’t have time to talk on the phone or answer emails all day and a few more that don’t understand what it’s like to have an ever-changing schedule. It’s frustrating because I am completely type-A and I am all about organization and structure. And I despise “flaky.” I try and explain why I am so busy or why the schedule must change due to my husband’s constantly being gone and I wind up stumbling over myself and then I sound guilty. When my husband is home, he wants to hang with the kids. I will absolutely make sure that happens. So enough of the explanations! Any stay at home mom I know knows what it is all about. I started to think about what it is I do all day and I actually got confused sorting it out! In a nutshell (and this is just a typical morning):

Get up- this can be any time from 6:30 to 8:30 depending on how strict I am with the behavior chart and rewards system. I have been diligent this week so 8:30 it has been and I am grateful!
Make the beds and turn off every electronic device in our house (this is the twins’ favorite thing to do in the morning- turn on every light, walkie talkie, fan and computer.
Make a wholesome, fresh, gluten free breakfast; give out vitamins which is an episode in itself; feed fish; feed dog; let dog out 100 times because he’s 14 ½. Clean up.
Get dressed, brush teeth- kids. Get dressed, brush teeth- me which entails re-securing door alarms and keeping an ear out for broken glass in the event that I actually get to bathe.
Interrupt getting dressed (me) to referee why they both need the same pink crayon at the same time when there are 3 of them. Clean crayon off floors and chairs.
Let dog out again. Make a wholesome, fresh, gluten free lunch. Clean up. Try and answer emails or pay bills…which is impossible because this is when the harassment starts. I can’t complete a thought without being distracted. “Mom, where are we going today?” Three minutes later, “Mom, where are we going today.” Three minutes later…you get the idea. Diversion time. Do they want to color? Play outside? Learn to read? Tell time? Count with money? What am I going to do when they start school? I am going to have to continue to humor them at home if I keep teaching them all this stuff and then the distractions/questions will never stop….but I can’t worry about that now because I just need to get through the Summer!

I have not addressed the arguing, spills, constant questions, phone calls or people at the door, let alone the errands that need to be fit in with twins. Going to the market may take someone without kids 30 minutes. In this house- not so much.
And hello? We are only at 1:00! We still have swim lessons, play dates, dinner, baths and the daily toy cyclone clean up to get through!

So no, I do not have time to talk on the phone. And I don’t put my kids to bed at 5:00 so I can have “me” time (yes- someone I know actually does this!). I have no “me” time! I decided to have children! And just so it’s said, it is the greatest job I have ever had and the most fulfilling. I love watching the kids learn and I figure someday, I will have plenty of time to myself and will be sad about it so I am going to put all of my energy into every question and situation.

I am fortunate in that I have plenty of single girlfriends or friends without children who get it. But for those few who don’t, hopefully this article will open a few eyes!

Happy Chaos!
Gina